From time to time, I like to unpack words that float into my consciousness. Recently resilience has been the word that has floated into my mind repeatedly. I’m never quite sure why a floating word lodges in my mind, but when it does I have learned to pay attention and unpack it. My starting point is to think about why the word has come into my purview. Given all that is going on in our world, my focus on resilience may be based upon the challenges of the pandemic that wouldn’t go away. Or it could be because of the circumstances in Ukraine, or it could be based upon the challenges that life has dealt me personally in recent times. For whatever reason, I have been unpacking what has made me resilient and how significant resilience is. What I know for sure, is that resilience is the reason I’m still standing after all these years and it is darn important.
As I dug deeper and turned resilience over and over in my mind, it became apparent that resilience is a process; a process brought on by adversity, threats, and stress. Stress? Ding, ding, ding! It doesn’t matter whether the stress comes from adversity or threat, we all have come to know stress. The stress caused by global issues such as war or the pandemic or the stress that arises from problems closer to home, such as family, relationships, health issues, or workplace and financial stress, we know stress ALL too well.
The pandemic abruptly curtailed one of our best avenues for stress relief; the ability to connect with others. We can all remember how scary it was when we first went into lockdown two years ago in March of 2020. At that moment we were scrambling to understand the new “normal” that was anything but normal. Those that know me, know that I am one to look for the silver lining in every cloud and the pandemic was certainly a cloud.
Thanks to the pandemic we found plenty of opportunities to overcome adversity and find a new way for connection. My daughter suggested that I focus on the “pause.” And so I did; and we were all forced to get creative in finding new ways to connect with loved ones with friends, with our community, and with our business associates. Whether it be Face-Timing dinner with the grandparents or having a Friday after-work happy hour from home with friends or zooming meetings, howling at the moon in unison at night, we found ways to connect. A sense of connection with others lowers levels of anxiety and stress. We practiced resilience.
I realize now that whether by intention or not, many of our institutions do little to prepare us to make it through stress and adversity with grace. We are not well versed in how to fail. Just look at how children are schooled or what participation in sports and extra-curricular activities focus on success but provide very little learning on how to fail; how to learn from our mistakes; how to grow and evolve under stress and adversity. As parents, we have an instinct to shield our children from hardship and all the stressors of life. There is a focus on success that promotes an aversion to crisis and conflict.
As a mother and a grandparent, my thoughts on resilience turned to an even more important issue. How do we prepare future generations for adversity? Given that our culture is built around success and we are taught to avoid failure, how do we foster resilience in our children? in are grandchildren? What role does connection play in building resilience?
We all know that when a child feels cared for and understood, they are better able to push through obstacles and better equipped to rebound after experiencing disappointment. We let them learn failure and disappointment while at the same time letting them know that we are in their corner, validating their feelings and helping them work through tough times. It is this strong sense of connection that we give our children and loved ones every day that engenders a sense of safety to successfully maneuver through each challenge and sometimes failure and the courage to pursue their passions.
As a loving adult in a child’s life or anybody’s life, for that matter, the goal is not o solve the problem for them but to support them so they feel capable of successfully handling a challenge. These are the connections that build confidence for future setbacks and allow a person to practice resilience within their support network. This is what provides the opportunity to re-apply themselves when things get hard, instead of giving up when frustration and disappointment hit as they grow up.
As a parent, a partner, or a friend, most people simply don’t consider what they are handing down or out to others. In my experience, most people focus on what they are leaving to others in terms of “stuff” such as their property, their home, their assets, their money. The present generation has missed years of time by being unaware of the value of intangibles such as resilience and connection. We have a lot to make up for.
As contributing members of society, it’s our job to pass on more than our wealth and physical “stuff.” We need to be committed to making today better and supporting future generations. It is important for each of us to pass on important learnings that will make others better, now and in the future. The practice of resilience, especially when it comes to failure and grace is worthy of our efforts in giving to others and making our world a better place. And isn’t that our quest in life?
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